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movie reviews: Aquamarine & Ultraviolet - insert witty comment here

About movie reviews: Aquamarine & Ultraviolet

Previous Entry movie reviews: Aquamarine & Ultraviolet Mar. 3rd, 2006 @ 06:39 pm
So this morning (or last night, whatever) I watched two films, the first one being Aquamarine..

Man this movie sucked. The first reel was like a hour long, I shit you not. The first sign of suckiness was the bad ADR at the beginning. The second was the perpetual wretching sounds I kept hearing in the theatre, which, come to find out, were coming from me. Ooops. There are these two unpopular little girls who live in Florida on the beach. One of them is moving to Australia (ignore the fact that this was filmed in Australia), the other girl has some issue with water, which means she won't step foot in it, so she is pretty damn stinky. They wish for some miracle so that they won't be separated, and lo and behold, a mermaid washs up the next morning in the nasty ass pool next to their house. The mermaid had some fight with her daddy and "swam away from home" (aww, isn't that pun just precious?), she has to prove that love exists or she will have to marry some merman even more vapid than she is. She gets the girls to help her make some himbo lifeguard fall in love with her in a very bizarre, preteen concept of what love is (gleaned from teeny bopper magazines no less) and in return she'll grant them one wish.

Wackiness ensues.

blah blah blah

The girl gets over her fear of water, then is eaten by a shark. The other girl's plane crash-lands while travelling over Australia; she gets stuck in the desert with a whole bunch of other children, and with the help of William Wallace, makes her way to Neverland. The mermaid is made into sushi by a rival female, and all the himbo is left with is some motherless guppies and a bunch of crabs all named Sebastian. His friends give him the nickname of "Singing Crotch" or "S.C." for short.

On to Ultraviolet.

I really wanted to like this film. Really really really. I loved Kurt Wimmer's previous film, "Equilibrium".

I really don't like "Ultraviolet".

I think it fell victim to the "Pitch Black" syndrome, where the first outing is incredible, then the next film had a huge budget and sucked big time.

I understand "Ultraviolet" is not a sequel to "Equilibrium". I liked the super sneaky non-use of vampirism in the trailers (I argued with a co-worker on it for a few hours, he didn't believe that this was a vampire flick). I liked the super sneaky way the characters hid their weapons (and before you ask, its not in the butt). I loved that William Fichtner played an unassuming, comfy-sweater clad vampire, and somehow, some way, managed to look... kinda sexy.. (I think its the teeth)

I hated the effect that the colour grading guy or the cinematographer or whoever used that made Milla Jovovich look all soft focus, like Elizabeth Taylor. I kept wanting to run upstairs and readjust the focus, but I knew it was fine. I hated how the fight scenes left you as a spectator, and not as a participant. I wasn't on the edge of my seat. I wasn't invested in the action. When an action scene has oomph, I'll be leaning forward, cheering the actor on, and (if I'm alone) I'll be screaming, "Get some! Get some!". And the cheesy onliners got to me too. It just makes me think of Ahnuld in "T-2". Its overplayed and done. I'm sick of these complete and total bad ass characters. Its nice for characters to show weakness, to not always have the perfect comeback when talking to the villain.

Speaking of villains, the big baddy, Daxus, looked as though he wanted to twirl a mustache through the whole damn film, but couldn't, because of some weird nose plug thingy. He wasn't very menacing. Morgoth the Cat is more fearsome. Paper cuts are scarier.

Oh, and this film has that creepy kid from "Running Scared" which I just saw last week. He was creepy in that too. In fact, I noticed, when I looked him up on IMDB, that he's been creepy in quite a few movies and tv shows. He was the creepy kid that almost got his freak on with Nicole Kidman in "Birth".

Poor thing. Typecasted before his voice even cracked.

The CGI wasn't terribly good in the film either. You know how I know? Because I noticed the CGI. If you notice the effects (whether or not they looked good) then the filmmakers have failed, because the whole point is suspension of belief. It interrupts the flow of the film and, well, makes you notice that you are watching a film.

So, to sum up everything.. ummm.. I'm tired.. I can't think of anything witty to say to end this, or, really, think of anything at all to end this, soooo...

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Date:March 4th, 2006 04:25 pm (UTC)
Damn I love your reviews....witty and informative.
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Date:March 6th, 2006 09:37 am (UTC)


im sitting here snickering at the thought of you in the theater watching aquamarine. lol. sorry. I do love your made up endings too. they are great.
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