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movie reviews: Aquamarine & Ultraviolet Mar. 3rd, 2006 @ 06:39 pm
So this morning (or last night, whatever) I watched two films, the first one being Aquamarine..

Man this movie sucked. The first reel was like a hour long, I shit you not. The first sign of suckiness was the bad ADR at the beginning. The second was the perpetual wretching sounds I kept hearing in the theatre, which, come to find out, were coming from me. Ooops. There are these two unpopular little girls who live in Florida on the beach. One of them is moving to Australia (ignore the fact that this was filmed in Australia), the other girl has some issue with water, which means she won't step foot in it, so she is pretty damn stinky. They wish for some miracle so that they won't be separated, and lo and behold, a mermaid washs up the next morning in the nasty ass pool next to their house. The mermaid had some fight with her daddy and "swam away from home" (aww, isn't that pun just precious?), she has to prove that love exists or she will have to marry some merman even more vapid than she is. She gets the girls to help her make some himbo lifeguard fall in love with her in a very bizarre, preteen concept of what love is (gleaned from teeny bopper magazines no less) and in return she'll grant them one wish.

Wackiness ensues.

blah blah blah

The girl gets over her fear of water, then is eaten by a shark. The other girl's plane crash-lands while travelling over Australia; she gets stuck in the desert with a whole bunch of other children, and with the help of William Wallace, makes her way to Neverland. The mermaid is made into sushi by a rival female, and all the himbo is left with is some motherless guppies and a bunch of crabs all named Sebastian. His friends give him the nickname of "Singing Crotch" or "S.C." for short.

On to Ultraviolet.

I really wanted to like this film. Really really really. I loved Kurt Wimmer's previous film, "Equilibrium".

I really don't like "Ultraviolet".

I think it fell victim to the "Pitch Black" syndrome, where the first outing is incredible, then the next film had a huge budget and sucked big time.

I understand "Ultraviolet" is not a sequel to "Equilibrium". I liked the super sneaky non-use of vampirism in the trailers (I argued with a co-worker on it for a few hours, he didn't believe that this was a vampire flick). I liked the super sneaky way the characters hid their weapons (and before you ask, its not in the butt). I loved that William Fichtner played an unassuming, comfy-sweater clad vampire, and somehow, some way, managed to look... kinda sexy.. (I think its the teeth)

I hated the effect that the colour grading guy or the cinematographer or whoever used that made Milla Jovovich look all soft focus, like Elizabeth Taylor. I kept wanting to run upstairs and readjust the focus, but I knew it was fine. I hated how the fight scenes left you as a spectator, and not as a participant. I wasn't on the edge of my seat. I wasn't invested in the action. When an action scene has oomph, I'll be leaning forward, cheering the actor on, and (if I'm alone) I'll be screaming, "Get some! Get some!". And the cheesy onliners got to me too. It just makes me think of Ahnuld in "T-2". Its overplayed and done. I'm sick of these complete and total bad ass characters. Its nice for characters to show weakness, to not always have the perfect comeback when talking to the villain.

Speaking of villains, the big baddy, Daxus, looked as though he wanted to twirl a mustache through the whole damn film, but couldn't, because of some weird nose plug thingy. He wasn't very menacing. Morgoth the Cat is more fearsome. Paper cuts are scarier.

Oh, and this film has that creepy kid from "Running Scared" which I just saw last week. He was creepy in that too. In fact, I noticed, when I looked him up on IMDB, that he's been creepy in quite a few movies and tv shows. He was the creepy kid that almost got his freak on with Nicole Kidman in "Birth".

Poor thing. Typecasted before his voice even cracked.

The CGI wasn't terribly good in the film either. You know how I know? Because I noticed the CGI. If you notice the effects (whether or not they looked good) then the filmmakers have failed, because the whole point is suspension of belief. It interrupts the flow of the film and, well, makes you notice that you are watching a film.

So, to sum up everything.. ummm.. I'm tired.. I can't think of anything witty to say to end this, or, really, think of anything at all to end this, soooo...

HOLY SHIT!!! LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!!!

You want movie reviews?! I got your movie reviews right here, biznatches! Feb. 10th, 2006 @ 09:31 am

Now, some of you may be aware of the inherent dangers i face as a projectionist, be it film burn, explosive bulbs (serious death may occur), getting my finger caught in a reel as it spins faster than the eye can see, or getting a piece of film caught on a hangnail; but the most dangerous part of my job is: boredom.

Oh god was i bored tonight.

While all of you shiny people were in bed sleeping (or in the case of WildQueen, robbing old ladies for their poodle-grooming funds), I was at work, suffering for you, the SoCal movie audience. Suffering like Jesus did, as he rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, but my bum only hurts slightly worse, due to the uncomfortable nature of the seats in the auditoriums. I waited aeons for Brake Water to show up with our 4 films. (*Brake Water, if you recall from an earlier post, is proud of living up to their motto of, "We're Just Not Shitgivers.") When Brake Water did show, I wept. I wept for I must build those films, and then I must choose, and choose wisely, between Firewall or Pink Panther.

I chose Firewall.

I chose... most unwisely.

By Reel #2, I was playing Mahjong on my phone.

Reel #4, I fell asleep.

Reel #5, my mum dropped off my jury duty notice.. and I fell asleep again.

Funnily enough, I didn't miss a single reel change. My job title is Projections Cheetah.

Firewall, or as my co-worker called it, Bank Force 1, stars Harrison Ford, Virginia Madsen, Paul Bettany, and some guys.

Ford is a computer security honcho at some crappy bank and whey-hey-hey, here comes Paul Bettany with his thugs, kidnapping Ford's family, and wackiness ensues.

Ford's (or whatever the fuck he's called in this film, I never paid attention, Harrison Ford has gotten to the age, like Anthony Hopkins, where he just plays himself in each role.. 'cuz that's what real method-acting is, peeps!), anyway, Ford's kids are brats and die in a bloodbath at the end. Ford and his wife Virginia, keep the dog, and live happily ever after. 

Or not, I left before the end of the movie.

Don't go see this movie.

See Hoodwinked, or Matador.

I have been up for 24 hours. 

Atomicate--You can post this on the beaver site.

Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted

former card-carrying member Dec. 27th, 2005 @ 04:56 am

I have this theory that National Geographic predicts the future.

No really.Collapse )


Dec. 17th, 2005 @ 12:27 am
Reanimator

CURRENT RATINGS:
FRESH: 8/10  8/10 Movie: Re-Animator (1985)

This movie was a lot better than I thought it was going to be. One of my roommates is BIG on horror films, especially ones based on H.P. Lovecraft's work. I saw one once, called "Lurking Fear", but that wasn't anything like the story i read, so i was rather disappointed. "Reanimator" on the other hand, was just plain silly. I'm not sure i read the story it was based on, but man, can Lovecraft write comedy or what?

Ahem...
"Knock, knock?"
"Who's there?"
"Cthul."
"Cthul who?"

<insert spoiler notice here>

So anyhow, the two main "love interest/beautiful people" characters are as annoying as my co-worker's singing. The guy looks fantastical with his toned body, and we all know how he got into med school, right?....................... That's right, lot's of hard work, studying, and boning the dean's daughter!! The dean's daughter who has blonde hair, a ditzy voice, a wonderous and irritating naivety, bad eighties' clothes (like there was any other kind), crap acting skillz, and by the end, you pray to the Old Ones that she dies and doesn't get brought back from the dead.................... but she does.. but not before getting felt up by a headless man and said headless man's severed head.. HOT!!
The two characters that made this film were the creepy med student from <insert spooky music> SWITZERLAND and the creepy brain surgeon, who chew and chew every piece of film time they are allotted.
Great. Now my ex is IM'ing me and i've lost my train of thought...
fuck... sorry.. I will continue at some other date..

Dec. 16th, 2005 @ 01:43 am

i found out today that my friend Christian's bro Cory died yesterday. This is my tribute to him.. He was a funny funny guy.. i wish i had his kind of funny... this is taken from his rotten tomatoes journal:

monkey vs. bearded dragonCollapse )
Current Mood: sadsad
Other entries
» no i don't press play on the dvd player for a living
so it looks like i'm staying at my job for a few more years.. my department head is moving to IDAHO in Septmember and i'm gonna take over the booth... woot?
more pay, the cool title of Projection Manager on a resume, annnndd.. more crap films.. meh.. so hopefully with skool (which i sign up for tomorrow and i'd better get the fucking classes i want dammit.. please please br'er palomar???)and eventually finishing and typing up the book i'm writing and so on.. I can actually get the hell out of the hole i put myself in!!! yay?
tomorrow begins my Narnian hell..everyone goes to rosarito, i stay to build a 9 reel film.. or two.. or three or four..
*fun fact: the films are sent to us on 9-20 minutes of film on reels.. sent by three distributors: technicolor, ETS, or Brakewater.. tech. and ETS deliver during the day via DHL and Brakewater delivers via some cracked out ex biker dude who arrives between the hours of midnite and 4 AM!!! (if he feels like it) on Friday morning.. and brakewater sucks.. ass.. seriously.. its not the courier that i mind, cuz he's all "fuck all" about everything and anyone(he called Mobsters and Mormons a piece of shit in front of the GM.. giggle).. its not the service at the distribution center that i mind either, cuz they're just like "yeah whatever" when you complain about the courier.. No what bugs me is that the prints that they release are just so GODDAMN DIRTY!!!! I swear (and i do.. alot) that they got some FNG workin at the developement lab and is pissing on the prints while they develope.. Aeon Flux-ass nasty, Harry Potter-had to replace a reel, WTF?!
so yeah--Harry Potter-9 reel film=2hours37mins... think of the suck of Narnia.. but i'll prolly enjoy it.. and see it wednesday..
» mwahahahahahah
i saw Harry Potter.
By myself.
a day before anyone else i know did.


mwah

then again, I watched the Legend of Zorro by myself, before anyone else i know did and that movie blew.
i think this is a fair balance, no?
i have suffered thru many bad films.
don't playah hate.
» (No Subject)

saw this trailer on Jarhead.. Jarhead was good..

this movie looks good too..

http://www.munichmovie.com/trailer_sm.html

 


» Röyksopp

so i heard this band on the radio on big sonic chill the other night.. after going to their website, i decided that even though some of the music is very techno/disco crap, there are some songs that are just good.. so, i give you the good

http://boss.streamos.com/wmedia/astralwerks/royksopp/the_understanding/video/what_else_is_there_300.asx


» (No Subject)
i like the word "dry-hump"..
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